What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 29.06.2025 07:48
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She found it foreign!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im still living with it.
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
How do police officers feel about the fear they instill into criminals?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot live in the past .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
How many wishes do people get on their birthday?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I don,t even have a pension.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Does sleeping with earbuds cause ear pain?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She loved him until the end.
I will be 64.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I could never make a relationship work though!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
Are you worried that the 2024 US presidential election will result in a close race?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
If I want to grow muscles, is taking creatine a must or can I take whey protein only?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So, i spoilt her more .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was very sick at this time too.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
All the time i was locked up.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My family never makes their pension either.
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She married twice! .
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
I think the readers, may guess!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It was going to be , some day.
This is soul school!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.